Studying with Gabor Mate keeps showing me how each and every single one of us caries trauma around. Some have done the work and are aware of their shadows, but many have absolutely no clue what is going on.
Others have done some work but have not uncovered the deep rooted issues yet. Cause honestly, it takes balls. Huge balls. And a lot of patience and compassion.
Its peculiar as it seems much trauma will stay hidden until the time when you are ready to deal with it. You often know it’s there, you had an experience but the awareness for it is not really there. You can read every book, talk with the whole world, but this awareness will not change until something shifts within you.
Or until you practice compassionate inquiry.
As children many of us adopted and modified our behaviour completely in order to feel safe. In the process they often erode self love as survival, depending on it. Not by any conscious choice, not ever really understanding what was happening, but as a way of adapting in order to receive a core need.
Love.
Most of us did this one way or the other. It should be made clear that this does not only happen within a household enduring any big T trauma. It can be a “normal” childhood with a parent who was depressed in periods, or overemotional, or just struggling with issues.
“Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” Peter A. Levine
“Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.” Gabor Mate
“Trauma is not the story of something that happened back then. It’s the current imprint of that pain, horror, and fear living inside people.” Bessel vd Kolk
The child can erode parts of the self, and as an example, quiet themselves down, become a protector, be the always funny person, never be angry etc. This self betrayal happens out of a need to control the outer world to be safe, and in the end, for love.
Don’t forget that children do not possess the emotional intelligence to understand what is happening.
I know people who as a child would be preoccupied to make sure the house was always clean before a parent came home, trying to make sure nothing would trigger the tired parent after work. Obviously a child can not stop a parent from being triggered, but that became the way of keeping the environment safe, the parent happy and thus loving. In the perception of the child.
I know people who as children just became angry, distant and “untouchable”.
I know people who as children became perfect children, over achievers.
I know people who ran away as soon as they could.
Then you become a grown up. And somewhere down the line you will meet people who trigger your childhood trauma. And again, this does not have to be abuse or any huge event, the event is not the trauma. The silencing of the child, the not being able to express emotions, that is the trauma. The lack of safety to do so.
If you do not have the awareness as a grown up, you will perceive the emotions to be a result of your current situation, which is often not the case at all. The emotions that arise are the same feelings you had as a child. Unprocessed and never fully expressed.
Imagine a child who can for whatever reason not express their fears and perceptions.
What kind of child can not be heard in the perception of the child? One that is not good enough. Not lovable. Which results in all kind of different patterns for grown ups.
Either you eternalise the never good enough story, or you externalise this. Or both in different patterns. So you will judge and shame yourself, or others. And this all happens unconsciously, until you unveil the unconscious into an awareness.
Most people are living their lives from an angry reactive state all the time. Gabor pointed out that in his whole life he has never seen the world in such a bad place. And he saw the second world war, and all crises after. We live in a world where we cannot even talk about a vaccine without getting into an argument. Everything has to blow up into a huge (often aggressive) explosion with little space for compassion for each other. Or ourselves.
Probably because most of us are still in a child reactive state without knowing. Doesn’t matter if your the president, a therapist, a lawyer, a teacher, a homeless or an addict. Doesn’t matter if you live in Australia, Africa, Europe or Iceland.
Everyone is walking around with trauma. It is part of life. We are hardwired to endure events that can cause trauma. But not for the disconnect that we create with the silencing of emotions.
How do we stop these patterns caused by trauma based perceptions?
How do we stop breaking everything good out of a childhood need to be safe? I mean we are grownups now, and whatever served us for many years is not of any help anymore as grown ups. It is even extremely destructive for ourselves and our surroundings.
We need to change the focus, the awareness from towards our outside word, to the inside space.
To our inner self, the child within. And that will take more then practicing mindfulness..
To be continued.