“I feel great, it has been a good week” She tells me after entering the room. She seems a bit jumpy, I can see the defensive mechanisms working when her voice tells me in a fast paced order how her heart has been opening. Then suddenly she becomes quiet. Maybe in anticipation of what I will say next. It is not the first session I have with her, and the last one we did went pretty deep. I can understand that subconsciously she might be experiencing some anxiety for what will come.
I ask her if she wants to do a grounding exercise, and when she agrees I can see her relaxing back in the sofa. She closes her eyes, and I guide her through a series of grounding exercises where the emphasis is on the breath, and noticing the tensions. No judgement, whatever comes up is welcome in this safe space.
By observing her breathing, body and facial expressions, I intuitively know where to go. And after a 10 minutes of grounding she slowly comes back into the room. This time more centred and present in the body.
When I ask her how she feels, she replies that she feels good. She smiles, like a smile when you had a deep meditation. And then we begin.
Sometimes there is an intention from the client to work on, but more often the body will tell us where to go. This time the client cried happy tears of being able to connect with her inner child, after believing that she exiled it indefinitely. We gave space to the tension and allowed it to be there. Very quickly the tension was connected to an emotion, and by allowing this the client tracked it back to childhood.
Many children grow up in a space where the parents are emotionally unavailable and using the children to make them self feel better. This is often not a conscious act, it is trauma repeating itself. Whatever you didn’t get in childhood from your parents, you might be reenacting with your children.
An 8 year old is desperately seeking the love and connection from their caregivers, but will intuitively feel when they need to minimise themselves. When there is no room for their own fears, anxieties, and anger. It is in this age, that the core self will become an exile. The child becomes hypervigilant, tuned into the needs of their caregivers, and later the world. There is no space to express anger, or fear, and often they grow up in caregivers themselves. With self destructive patterns that no longer serve the highest self.
When we are doing sessions it is extremely important to pauze when we find a part of ourself that has protected us for all these years. In whatever way. Could be the laughing part, the running part, the judging part. All of them we have to acknowledge and thank. If we continue to ignore and judge, they will only become stronger. What we resist, persists.
When befriending all these parts and holding compassion for ourselves, we can go through periods where we “feel” like the 8 year old. Feeling sad, and perceiving to be completely alone in the world, As soon as the protective systems learn that they can relax, old emotions will surface. It is therefor extremely important to have good guidance, and a support system in place. The more we can be with the emotions, the more healing will happen.
We have to allow ourself to feel everything. If not, the results can be devastating. We know how childhood trauma can result in addiction, but chronic diseases are also a result of unexpressed anger and sadness. The sooner we allow the process, the more we can heal.
This proces needs to be guided by someone who can really hold the space without the need to fix. Someone who has done the work on themselves, and understands trauma.
Our caregivers would subconsciously have an attachment to how they woud want their child to be or even behave. When using a child to fill their own unmet needs, the child will instinctually know what was wanted, and behave accordingly in order to not lose the attachment. To be loved. To be good enough. To please and make the caregiver happy.
When doing the proces it is therefor extremely important that the practitioner has no attachment to an outcome. Because even the slightest ripple in energy will be felt by the client, and it will block the process immediately. In the worst case, the practitioner will project their own (unknown) trauma on the client.
The first time a person starts the proces, there will be a lot of unconscious fear for what might come up. Fear for any emotions, as it was learned in childhood that our emotions can upset the people we love, or, we have witnessed emotions in our caregivers and felt scared by it. Therefor it is ademend that the person guiding the proces understands this.
The beauty is in the proces. After spending an hour with the lady who I mentioned at the start, going through many different emotions, we closed the session in silence. Giving space and thanking all parts. Then the integration started for her, which is often guided by meditation and different spiritual tools, but mainly anything that will help to connect to the exile. Nature, writing, dancing, yoga, cooking, watching old movies, reading books. Crying, laughing, screaming. All is part of this beautiful process. A process many still need to start with.
If you feel called to start your own process, there are many gifted people who can guide you, in different languages.
Reach out, because honestly, life is too short. Real happiness is found through allowing the exiled part coming out.