About Rachelle

My story started 44 years ago, being born in the UK, to an English father and a Dutch mother. Their relationship quickly went south, and my mother ended up fleeing the country with my 5 year old sister and myself, at 7. I grew up in a loving single parent household, where my mother had her own trauma demons to fight, which we, as children were sensitive to, as all children are. Since I lost my father at 7, I developed an abandonment fear, which resulted in the suppression of emotions. Around 12 I started to get lost, and began to experiment with drugs, until I found myself in a rave community, desperately wanting belonging. I spend years using all sorts of party drugs, until I at 17 decided that I wanted to join the army. Just to give you an idea how disconnected I was; I have no recollection of making this decision. I never regretted it, but that piece is a complete blank for me. And I have many of those, from early childhood, till in my 20’s.

If I was disconnected from my own emotions at 12, the drugs made sure that there was no real connection with inner self. 9 Years followed in a military environment where emotions are seen as weakness, and I started to suffer of anxiety and panic attacks, as I found out that I am actually super sensitive. The word therapy never crossed my mind, and I spent two tours abroad on anti depressants, which in the end didn’t help at all. 

I left at 27, and met someone with whom I spent 12 years together, not knowing that we both had severe trauma in our systems. Our relationship was one of many high highs and deep lows, and at the end was drenched in alcohol. In the dynamic we constantly reenacted old patterns from childhood, without knowing that we did. By that time, I was in a constant state of fight flight, but again, with no idea. I always had jobs, projects and became a DJ, a chef, a manager, had companies, studied a masters, until in 2017 I met a meditation teacher and decided to undergo a 10 day deep meditation program. No alcohol, no distractions, just hours of meditation and managing a restaurant. In those 10 days I felt an anger arising in me, that I didn’t know I had. In those 10 days I saw that my life was heading for disaster, if I didn’t change drastically. 

The relationship ended, and I made a vow to myself that I was going to turn every stone, and fix whatever it was that was wrong with me, because I felt that I was inherently broken.

Years of therapy, holistic practices like breathwork and spiritual work followed, I lived shortly in an ashram in Bali, I became a yoga teacher, and eventually I found Gabor Mate. I did a master class with him, and was blown away by the effectiveness of compassionate inquiry. By that time I was much better, but still always had a “darkness” looming over me. Other modalities that helped others so well, didn’t seem to do it for me, with all the frustration as a result.

I finally entered the compassionate inquiry training, and spent 18 moths in training and as an intern. And as my vow to “fix” myself, also enticed that if I could heal myself, I would spend the rest of my life helping others, I have been doing that ever since.