When I turned 20, my whole life, as I knew it, was about to change. Later, I blamed the fact that I had just quit smoking weed for the first time in years—though I don’t remember if that was a conscious decision. I only recall that I was preparing for a six-month deployment with the UN to Cyprus.
One day, while sitting outside in the sun, I experienced my first panic attack. I couldn’t tell you what triggered it, nor that I recognized it as a panic attack, only that my thoughts were racing, and I felt like I was losing my mind. The fear was overwhelming. Thankfully, a family member recognized what was happening, and I was quickly taken to a GP, who gave me anxiety medication.
Anxiety medication?
But the anxiety symptoms came back, every single morning. Even with a regimen of running, healthy habits, and wishful thinking, nothing seemed to work. I was eventually prescribed antidepressants, which made the anxiety disappear completely. And honestly, after months of feeling like I was never going to be “normal” again, this was a freaking miracle.
I went off to Cyprus, finished my deployment, and returned to normal life as a 21-year-old soldier. I do not remember even thinking about anxiety. At that point, it never occurred to me that anxiety and panic attacks were symptoms of something deeper—something that needed more than just medication.
At 24, after leaving the army for a brief moment, the anxiety symptoms crept back into my life, stronger and more frequent. I thought rejoining the military would solve my problems, so I accepted an intelligence role in Bosnia. But on the drive home, I was hit with what felt like a stroke—an overwhelming panic that convinced me I was about to die. I pulled over off the motorway, screaming into my phone for help. It was terrifying, and I didn’t understand what was happening to me.
Nothing helped..
For the next several months, I tried everything—strict health routines, acupuncture, herbs, and vitamins—but nothing truly helped. Every time when I got into a car, I would get the biggest panic attack ever. Which would result in me driving as fast as I could, maybe trying to outrun the anxiety. This was incredibly frustrating, as driving was one of my favourite things to do. It was always my way of relaxing. As soon as the panic would hit, I would drive faster, being so absorbed in the all invading, crippling, terror and fear. I became socially more awkward than ever, and at the height of my panic attacks, I wouldn’t even be able to stay in a cue in a store. My body felt alien, my mind was always racing, it felt like I was falling off the face of the earth. And I seemed to be the only one feeling and acting out like this.
With my upcoming tour to Bosnia (where I would be driving a huge truck) and the fact that the panic attacks only seemed to worsen, I could only come up with one solution; antidepressants again. This time, I got really unwell going back on them, and this time, the panic attacks never left, if anything, the anxiety only got worse. I spent months in Bosnia, riddled with anxiety. Driving in Bosnia between land mines was a whole new experience. When I returned from Bosnia, I decided to leave the army, and I started to taper off the meds. But the anxiety did not leave me then, it took me years before I could drive a car again without the fear of a panic attack, and over a decade before I was free of crippling anxiety.
Why am I sharing my anxiety stories?
Today, I am 44, and I have not had a panic attack in over a decade. I can feel slightly anxious, but it never overwhelms me as it did, it never scares me.
I spent many years feeling frustrated, ashamed, angry and, well, convinced that there was something inherently broken within me. Today, I help many others who struggle with anxiety and panic attacks, and show them the function of anxiety. After studying under Gabor Mate, and later implementing internal family systems and mindfulness practices, I learned what anxiety is, as a protective mechanism. It is a symptom, a part of you, not who you are. I recognized that my anxiety did not start at 20, I was running away in fear from a very young age, and it became a cooping mechanism, when not feeling safe.
It took me so many years to come to where I am today because I lacked the right tools and support system. I honestly believe that healing is super simple, if you have the right tools and support in place. Not easy at all, but simple. I know first hand how it feels to be riddled with panic attacks, anxiety, suicidal ideation, depressive states, moods filled with rage, addictions, (body) shame, intrusive thoughts, loneliness, and so on. I know, as I have been there. Many times.
Anxiety is not supposed to take over your life. Unfortunately for many, it does. And often we use methods to escape the anxiety, instead of looking at it with curiosity and compassion. Held in a safe container together with an attuned coach or therapist, you can find out why you have anxiety attacks, and by giving it the right attention, they will diminish.
Trust me. I am the living proof.