Unhealthy anger in our society?

A few weeks ago a small cafe in the north of Malta decided to ban children from their establishment. Having their own reasons to do so, they shared their decision on social media. This resulted in an immediate shower of comments expressing feelings of being offended, some even extremely angry. Even though the majority seemed to agree and understand, there were a number of people who reacted as if they had been under personal attack.

Why did I decide to write about this? Not to write for or against this establishment. My personal view on the matter is not what drives me to write, merely the immense anger and frustration that so many people seem to feel, and more importantly, act from. I work with clients to get in touch with the root cause of their triggers, and this highlights the presence of unhealthy anger in our society.

I wasn’t even sure if I would write about this, until 2 days after, I found myself driving into a traffic jam where a gentleman got so infuriated that my car merged into his lane, that he threw a water bottle at my car and spent the next 10 minutes screaming into the void as a Tasmanian Devil.. I observed him from my rear view mirror, shocked, realising that my teacher Gabor Mate was spot on opening his new book with the words:

“In the most health obsessed society ever, all is not well”
Gabor Mate; The myth of normal 2022

We have seen headline after headline about the anger in Malta, about the traffic deaths, and suicides. Is anger the problem in Malta, or is something else going on? Is this only happening in Malta, or is this a global epidemic?

But what exactly is anger? Is it a negative emotion?

Anger is actually a very healthy emotion, IF expressed healthy.

Healthy anger is not rage, shouting, swearing or attacking others. It is not hitting a wall, slamming a door, or anything that we would associate with anger. Healthy anger is actually a natural response when our physical or emotional boundaries are threatened. The healthy anger response is to say “no, go away, I am not doing that.. etc” and then the anger is gone. Healthy anger is in the moment, it doesn’t hang around for days. When you have expressed your boundary, there is no more need for anger. However, to do this, one needs to have learned early in life how to express boundaries. Furthermore, to know what our boundaries are.

When anger is present, it is not only an analytical process in the mind; think back to the last time you got really angry, how did you feel it in the body? Your fists might clench, your heart rate increases, your breath becomes shallow. What happens inside, is that your body receives a shot of stress hormones. Adrenaline and cortisol flush into your system, inducing a state of fight or flight. This system is very smart and it is there for a reason. When you are indeed under threat it can save your life. So, what happens when the anger is triggered by a social media post, or a traffic situation and becomes rage? The question one could ask oneself is; what is the anger really about?

When anger is prevalent in someone’s life, and seems to get ignited easily, something else is going on. Unhealthy anger is often a cover, a safety mechanism to cope with underlying repressed emotions. If you never learned to sit with (or even recognise) your pain (which we all have), anger is a great mechanism not to feel sad, lonely or grief, to name a few.

According to a recent independent study¹, the Maltese rank high as an angry nation. Is this true, or are some of the Maltese not taught how to express healthy boundaries, discuss emotional issues and use the right tools to integrate emotions? If one does not express and integrate deep rooted emotions, our perceptions change, based on old feelings. This means that whenever a situation even slightly mimics a past experience emotionally, you will get triggered. And if you never dealt (felt) or looked at past situations you will emotionally react to the present situation as if you are still in the past.

Example.

My sibling and I were abandoned by our father at a very young age. This defined a lot of who we became as grownups. My adaptation was to become protective as a result of being raised by a struggling single mum. A pleaser, a fixer. And for most of my life, if I would be in a situation where I perceived to be rejected, old pain would surface. But I did not know that it was old pain. Recognising that I am making a distinction here, I perceived myself to be rejected. Not felt. I felt sad. Emotionally it was a sadness of the past, it reminded me of being rejected. Then from this perception I would react without pausing. Which, needless to say, does not create healthy relationships.

This is why it is crucial to learn to pause before reacting. To have the awareness of our own inner world and how you perceive things to be.

As Victor Frankle stated in Man’s search for meaning;

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Our society

In almost every capitalist country many conditions are present that cause uncertainty, conflict, lack of control and lack of information, all ingredients to show us how to behave, think and even raise our children². These “ingredients” have a direct impact on our physiological processes and how our bodies regulate different aspects such as the nervous system, immune responses and metabolism³.

We all know to some extent that chronic stress is extremely unhealthy for our nervous system and our whole mental and physical being, and our society spends a lot of money on health wellbeing like supplements, yoga, spa days and every tool not to look older. But by not addressing the underlying suppressed emotions, any health fix is unfortunately a temporary plaster.

A troubling note is that there seems to be little awareness amongst people that they indeed are coping with life situations in an unhealthy way. Long term suppressed emotions will lead to inflammation, burn outs, mental health issues, autoimmune diseases and worse. Which is resulting in a huge financial burden on society. Still, when visiting a doctor people will not always be asked about their situation at home, childhood, or given the time to express how they feel. This is not strange, as the medical world is often understaffed, and often not trained to ask certain questions. This is not a Maltese situation alone, it is a global problem.

How do we cope with stress? We medicate. We distract ourselves. With social media, sex, drugs, alcohol or work. We often are not taught how to deal with the problems of the day, let alone look at our triggers and do some deep inner work. There is an epidemic of loneliness worldwide, where suicide rates have increased every year. Loneliness alone has the same physiological impact as smoking 15 cigarettes a day⁴. And just in the time that it took you to read this article, 4 people died of suicide globally⁵. Suicide is still the leading causes of death worldwide⁶.

How can so many people feel so extremely isolated in a society that has “everything”? How connected are we truly on social media? The idea that one has to become infuriated and reply to a social media post seems more to do with voicing unhappiness and wanting to be heard, often even without knowing why. Let’s be honest, if you are really peaceful and emotionally integrated, a social media post can not upset you. Nor can a merging car. (Unless there is a life threatening situation).

Global issue

I know from my work with international colleagues that this is not a Maltese problem. It is a global epidemic. And if we want our children to learn healthy coping mechanisms, we have to start with ourselves. Children can copy the coping mechanisms from their caregivers, if we suppress emotions, so will they. If we often express rage, they will either copy it, or become completely the opposite and not be able to express healthy anger. And this is worrying, as studies have shown time after time that there is a direct link to suppressing anger and autoimmune diseases, ALS and cancer.

“ALS sufferers tend to be universally admired by their colleagues, never asked for help & repressed anger, fear, anxiety. This shows how coping strategies/adaptations from early childhood become harmful pathologies later on.”

Jane Mulcahy PhD

Many, if not all of my clients have the tendency to laugh when we first touch upon deep rooted issues. When we address painful situations from childhood it will be dismissed, seeing that the need for attachment is still prevalent. Once the understanding is there that we are not to blame anyone, suppressed anger will often come up, and this can be very overwhelming for many.

Unhealthy anger clouds your judgement and puts one in a complete reactive state. Throw in a few more ingredients and you can see how some can end up in the justice system. Which is an extremely traumatising environment where no one even will ask “what happened to you?”

I have been living in Malta for nearly 10 years, and I have always enjoyed being here. When people ask me why I would choose the Netherlands over Malta, I always reply that the quality of life is much higher in Malta. Mostly due to the Mediterranean weather, and the Maltese people.

That said, in the last 10 years in Malta more murders have happened, more deaths in traffic, and according to a recent study⁷, one out of every five children aged 11-17 even suffered from depression in 2020. Looking at other countries, we can see that this will only get worse in time.

My concern remains that the quality of life is being overshadowed by the reactivity to outer triggers. And with a lack of awareness this will not change any time soon.

When we cannot process our own emotions in a healthy way, our children will not be able to become resilient themselves. And it is us that have to change first.

If we are not dealing with our underlying emotions we cannot be compassionate towards each other or ourselves. We cannot forgive anyone. We cannot even really listen to each other, and we can definitely not live in harmony together. Which will do nothing else then enlarge a very unhealthy society.